I don't want to tell you what I'm doing, where I'm headed or what's bothering me. Instead, I'm going to just yap about the most vaguest things, making you wonder why you're even reading this in the first place and how you got here.
I have a theory. No matter who you are, there's a 100% chance that you've felt some things like everyone else. Yes. You're no different. You've felt out of place in a group, hurt by the closest of your people and realized how the other person is so oblivious to that fact, that you've never been able to tell them how they made you feel. You've felt shit scared initiating a conversation, wondering if you'd make a total fool out of yourself. Remember when you felt really uneasy in the company of that person? Or that time you replied to a seemingly normal text message only to receive a reply from a really offended person, which instantly got your heart racing? Yup. You're not alone. We've all been there.
Nope, I don't have a point here. But let me continue. We've all been there, maybe we are all still learning how to deal with social anxiety or awkwardness. Maybe we're not as mature as the quotes we post or the things we preach. Maybe we're not really the person we project to be , but that's okay. This is how we are.
Trust me when I say this. I've marvelled at nature's best creations, made lists of places that I'd want to visit, things that I want to eat and do, but it's dawned upon me that People, yes, humans are the most interesting of them all. We are the most complex, adaptive, deceiving and tricky beings there ever will be and we're our own enemies.
I've become extremely unapologetically social over the last few years. Thanks to Instagram. But now as I go through posts, I can't help but cringe when someone puts up this post about their so-called best friends and how they've stuck with them. While I appreciate the PDA, I can't help and think, "What about that best friend who isn't on Instagram or that one who has done so much more for you but you don't have pictures with?". Don't you wanna tell the world about them? What's even funnier is how people put up posts coz the other friend has and now it'll be too rude not to put that #bestiesbeforetesties post. #truestory #metoo
But frankly, even without the social media psychologically bullying us into sharing our lit AF moments and glorified filtered pics of that dish with really dry chicken that you actually didn't quite enjoy, we're a bunch of wannabes who do mindless things without putting much thought into it.
We care more about captions and hashtags than actually telling that person face to face about how you feel about them. Bare your soul to your friend, your partner, your parents about how they've been your strength and hug them tight and maybe break down because it's all too overwhelming. Those xoxo mean jack shit when they're not around anymore, I'll tell you that.
Is this how we progress, trying to be the smartest ass in the room? Being the funniest in the group? Secretly judging each other while sharing one screenshot after the other? Lying shamelessly to familiar faces when the "Did you really feel bad?" questions are doing the rounds. We're all such assholes sometimes. We mock others, condemn their life choices, whisper things we all know are mean and ugly, we're secretly happy looking better than the other person. We're all horrible people, one way or the other. Even the people with the best of intentions are selfish and judgy and indulge in harmful gossiping and ignore their pets and enjoy that split second of an attention, only because we're human. We're moody and no matter how much we pretend, we all somehow regret saying, doing, being and knowing things. Don't let that, 'No Regrets' description in my Instagram bio fool you otherwise.
I don't know what my point is, but I know one thing. Over the past two months since my 24th Birthday, I've been trying hard, to be a better person. It's almost impossible to not have a bad thought but I'm trying to piece it together. I try n compliment things and people that/who bring joy to me. Some things just make my day. Some people just let you feel really really comfortable. I know maybe 3 or 4 people, who surprise me. They're the nicest people I know and I've tried their patience but they are such beautiful people, it makes me tear up. I wish I was even a little close to their niceness. That kind of heart is pure gold and I feel so lucky to have enjoyed their company and continued presence in my life.
So now I smile to strangers, I give people chances. I understand that people can be idiots and get carried away with the attention. I give them time, to come back. I've started following pages that only give out positivity and help me become a better person. So that someday, I can help someone who's hurting and give them some relief. I break down pretty often, it isn't easy, but no one said it will be. However, at the same time, be mindful of your company. Remember, you're in charge of who you spend time with. Know your worth and also the difference of being lonely and by yourself.
Hands down, the hardest thing as always, has been not expecting anything in return or letting things go or trying to stay normal when you've overheard/know things and probably wanna confront people, but are scared of the mess you know you're gonna create, cause girl= drama. Lol.
It's nothing new. More the people, more the stress. I'm actually even considering telling everyone how I actually feel about them to their faces and face the consequence. I'm sorry, I just cannot play along anymore. I've held so much inside for so long, it's almost suffocating me. I'm not the nice person you think I am. I have once completely ignored a person who needed me and let them suffer alone. I've made some terrible life choices and I'm trying to set things right. I am increasingly finding myself in someone else's mess, caught up in petty things and feeling worse for not being able to tell them what a cunt they've been to people around them. No one should be taken for granted. No one has the right to torture another.
Subjecting someone else to verbal and emotional torture is no way to deal with your personal pain. What irks me the most is how people don't focus of self improvement. How many of us don't realize being nice to others and most importantly, to yourself, is the key to happiness. Many just convince themselves into already being mature and righteous, that they stop trying. I've seen so many people. I mean, they're nice people, but they have flaws that they don't want to see. (This includes me too)
They get so caught up in one part of their life, that they forget about the balance and how most of the bad things happening to them are self inflicted. Exactly. Self inflicted. These are the saddest words ever. People harming themselves than anything else in the world.
No one's perfect. That's never been the end game, anyways. We must remember who we are, even though our accents change. Even though we hate our nicknames, they remind us of how far we've come. Don't be afraid to tell that Instagram friend about how their post was the only thing you needed to hear from the universe. Don't give a fuck.
I've got into this habit of instantly switching to Google when I come across an new acronym, word, phrase or piece of news. Get your own habit. You're literate for crying out loud, put that to good use. Don't wait for a prince charming, be your own Goddamn hero! And trust me, you'll realize what a sweet feeling it is to respect yourself.
Avoid bitching. When someone tells you something mean about someone, dismiss them. Completely. Tell them you don't want to hear something negative about a third person unless they're here. Make that person aware of what they're unintentionally doing.
Be humble. You don't have to like kids to ask their name. Or help them grow their imagination. Think of all the times as a kid when you wanted to talk about your toys or that bully in your class but you didn't have a ear to listen. Put yourself in others shoes and stop assuming the worst of people.
As we grow up, we tend to be more open to people and what they have to say. We move around different crowds and find ourselves talking about politics, life, literature, common interests and trends and are more likely to shape others' opinions with our inputs. We suggest and share and invite people to know us better and enjoy good company.
We also pick up habits, accents, phrases and lingos and it's nothing to be ashamed of. You're only as colorful as your history. But don't let that stop you from reinventing. It's okay to still like things deemed lame by your peers. That's your personal choice. Oh and don't you feel bad about all those, "OMG, you don't know this song/who xyz is/what abcd means/you've never seen that movie?". Nope. Just don't. They aren't your shortcomings. It's just that today is when that particular song/band/movie/director/word was MEANT to be introduced to you. And you're here now. That is all. Also, use your words well, FFS.
I've done it all. From the social media abuse to being a prick. I've done all of the above things I mentioned because we aren't innately whole and considerate. That's a constant effort that we need to make. We need to stop telling ourselves that we don't have the time for it and it's not our cup of tea, unless it really isn't.
No, I don't have a solution. I don't know if I've made you feel good or terrible after reading this. What I know for sure, is that I've told you how you and only YOU are in charge of how you feel and make others feel. It won't kill you to call back or repeat yourself one more time or really listen to someone even if you're not up for it. Tell people how you feel, if you lose people, that's okay. It's their choice, not yours. And remember, as you grow older, you heal faster. We see in others, what we actually feel at that moment. So if you feel like someone has a super warm smile, tell them. Both of you will have a good day!
Sorry to bug you with my rant. But frankly though, I feel sooooooo much better. Incredibly light and positive. Sending some good vibes your way!😘❤️
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